Useless at Scrabble
by glitterburn
Summary: A typical day in the life of Jonathan Carnahan.


**Useless at Scrabble**

_London, 1927  
12.02pm, The Dog & Duck, Coptic Street._

If somebody asked me what my favourite colour was, I'd have to say "gold." Of course, I'm also rather partial to silver and bronze and that bluey-green shade they print pound notes with, but gold has the edge. There's something reassuringly solid about it, even though Evie - that's my sister - would probably say there's nothing solid about pure gold. Apparently, the purer it is, the softer it is. Sounds a bit daft to me, but what do I know? As long as the gold stuff flows freely, I don't mind if it's soft or hard or liquid or even a gas. Although, I wouldn't be able to spend a gas, would I? Not without sounding crude, anyway.

You probably think I'm drunk already, but I'm not. No, it's only just past midday, and this place has only just opened. I'm a regular here, you see. That's because my sister spends so much time in the British Museum, and, well, there's only so many old mummies a man can take. It's bad enough that I have to waste half the morning in that old mausoleum, but I certainly don't intend to waste the afternoons as well. That's one of the great things about Egypt, you know - the bars are open all day. And if you find one that's closed, well, you just knock on the door and eventually someone will get up and give you a drink. It usually works for me. Of course, I did get arrested once for doing that, but it was all a mistake. See, I'd followed this chap who sort of owed me money, and I thought he was going to get a drink. I nearly died when he turned out to be the Chief of Police! But you have to laugh. My sister didn't, but back then she was a bit of a bluestocking, I don't mind telling you. I always thought she'd be left on the shelf. She's a librarian, you know. Ha ha! She hates it when I make that joke. Another pint, please, barman.

Yes, it was all down to me that I finally got Evie off my hands. I was really worried that no man would want her. I mean, it's not that she's ugly - how could she be, when she takes after her elder brother? - but she's just so... so... _exasperating_. I said to myself, Jonathan old man, you must find your sister a husband, a man of good character and noble upbringing and gentle breeding. Of course, that's quite a tall order when I was stuck in Cairo, but I did my best. I have friends all over the place, you know, and so I was able to cast my discerning eye over Evie's prospective mates. Mostly, this necessitated several hours at the gaming tables in Shepheard's or the Mena House, for it's only at the tables that you see a man's true character. Honestly: stick around and I'll show you what I mean.

Well, it took me a long time, and I spent quite a bit of money in my quest to get Evie a man, but it paid off in the end. Shepheard's and Mena House were a dead loss - the people who stay there would rather spit on you than give you the time of day. I'm glad to say that I relieved them of large quantities of cash - all strictly legit, you understand. That pyramid-selling scam that was reported in _The Times_ last year wasn't anything to do with me. No, it was a chap with a similar name, and you know what those newspaper photographers are like - they'll snap anyone that walks past, just to make their deadlines. I say, are you a journalist? No? Thank God for that. Let me get you a drink.

***

_3.34pm, The Pen & Wig, Chancery Lane._

Here we are. Just thought I'd pop in here for a swift one while I look for my pal James. He's a lawyer, you know, and he's handling certain affairs of mine. Not many people know this, but I'm actually quite wealthy. Maybe you'd like to come back to my place a bit later and help me count my money? Yes, it's mostly gold, I'm pleased to say. There's James now. Hey! Jamie!

***

_3.38pm, High Holborn._

I'm terribly sorry about that. Those lawyers can be such sharks, can't they. Fancy him saying that I hadn't paid him yet! I declare, if I gave him much more money he could start his own bank. Damn cheek. Excuse my language; I never swear in front of a lady, but that's really upset me. Honestly, once word gets out that you're in the money, the lawyers swarm all around you like vultures. Makes me wish I'd stayed in Egypt.

Come on, I know a little place up here on the right. It's not far. Maybe it would be more cosy in a cab? All right, let's go.

***

_4.00pm, The Newt & Cucumber, Tottenham Court Road._

You have quite an unusual-tasting lipstick, if you don't mind me saying. Not that I go around kissing ladies very often. No, it's a lonely life, being a scholar and an archaeologist-adventurer. You should see my brother-in-law. Why, he'd have been alone, quite alone, if it hadn't been for my intervention. I'm a secret romantic at heart, as I'm sure you've realised. I quickly came to the conclusion that Evie - whose greatest ambition it was to join the Bembridge Scholars - well, she'd be wasted on a gentleman of good character and noble upbringing and gentle breeding. So when I met Rick O'Connell, I thought, Jonathan, here's the man for your sister!

Of course, at that first meeting he was looking a bit the worse for wear. In fact, he was downright disreputable. But Evie's always been one for rogues and scoundrels - it runs in the family, you might say. Anyway, Rick gave me a small token of his esteem, a worthless little puzzle-box he'd found in the sand. I mean, these things are ten-a-penny in Egypt, but I took it as he was quite insistent that I should have it. That's when I knew that he was gullible enough, I mean, man enough, to take on my sister.

Do you want that drink? Don't mind if I do.

Where was I? Oh yes... The second time I met Rick O'Connell, I brought Evie along with me. They hit it off immediately. Or more precisely, he hit me, and Evie trod on me to get closer to him. The things I do to please my sister! She seemed really taken with Mr. O'Connell, even to the point that she saved him from being strangled to death when the hanging didn't kill him right off.

Careful with that whiskey. Shall I pat your back for you? Maybe I should've mentioned that Mr. O'Connell was residing in Cairo Prison when we met him that second time. But it was all a mistake. He was given a full pardon and everything.

Oh dear, I think your whiskey went down the wrong way again. Perhaps we should get a bite to eat? I know a quiet little place...

***

_7.00pm, Cafe Noir, Long Acre._

Try the pheasant, it's really quite remarkable. No, no, don't you worry your pretty little head about the cost: I'll see to everything. They know me here, isn't that right, Matthews?

Ha ha, those waiters will have their little joke. Take no notice, darling. It's a sign of class to insult the diners. The French do it all the time. Oh look, here's our soup.

Well now, what was I saying? That's right - how Evie and Mr. O'Connell got together and how I made my fortune. You are a bright little thing, to remember the place in my story! I'm pleased to say that Rick was perfectly all right after his brush with death, and that he was eager to pursue my sister, to thank her for saving him, you understand. A ruffian he may be, but he is still a gentleman. Naturally, I kept a close eye on the proceedings. It's not much fun being a chaperon, I can tell you. Let me pour you some of this champagne. It goes very well with the main course.

So, the thing is, that puzzle-box that Rick had so kindly given me at our first meeting turned out to contain some sort of map to an Egyptian treasure-house. I thought that would interest you! Oh, you're a student of Egyptology, are you? Where have you studied? Oh. No, I've never heard of it. Mind you, I'm not very clued up on that sort of thing, so I'll take your word for it. You really must meet Evie, she'd love to chat with you about your studies. What university was it again?

I say, is that your hand?

Crikey.

Ahem.

Oh look, dessert!

***

_9.30pm, Casino Royale, Leicester Square._

To round off a perfect evening properly, one has to play cards. I must say that I'm not very good with the rules at cards, or any other game, to be honest. I'm useless at scrabble - Evie would always win, because she knows all those long Egyptian names, like Sekhemrasewadjtawy Sobekhotep. What's that? Yes, I always thought that was cheating, too. You and I shall get along famously, I can see. Anyway, I'm just lucky at cards. There's no skill involved to gambling - just chance. As I was telling you earlier, I'm just one of those chaps that seems to have been born lucky. Most of our companions died - well, they were only beastly Americans, actually - and we had to contend with all sorts of terrifying things: rampaging Bedouins, flesh-eating scarabs, fires, collapsing buildings, double-crossers, the ten plagues of Egypt - oh, and did I mention the curse of the mummy?

I can see you don't believe me. No, I'm quite all right; in fact, I could do with another drink. That's right. Now, you come and stand next to me, like that, and let's have a go on this roulette wheel. What number d'you fancy? 69? Oh, if you insist...

Never mind, darling, we can't all be winners all of the time. Of course, I do seem to be immune to _really_ bad luck. After I'd managed to save Evie and Rick from the mummy - just a simple matter of reciting a few hieroglyphs, anyone could do it really - the whole place just fell down and sank into the sand. Well, the others were disappointed - Evie was quite keen on these old books that she'd found, but she stupidly dropped them on the way out - but the way I see it is this: if you've got your health, you've got everything. Money doesn't matter. It just helps.

So I tried to cheer them up, but by now, of course, my original plan had worked, and Evie and Rick had fallen in love. Thank God! Then we found the gold from the treasure-house that had been removed by one of our ill-fated companions. My sister very generously gave me the biggest share of the treasure, to thank me for all my help, and for finding her a husband, and all that. I don't like to brag or anything, but it really is quite a substantial pile of gold. I keep it all at Carnahan Court, my stately home. Did I tell you about that? Oh, I let Evie and Rick live there, too - I can't neglect my sister while she's having a baby, can I?

Let's try baccarat.

On second thoughts, let's not. I say, don't you find it awfully warm in here? Maybe a breath of fresh air?

Do you know that person over there? The one staring at us. No, you must be mistaken, he's not looking at me. Nooo, I don't have anything to do with riffraff like that. I'm a gentleman, you know.

I really think we ought to be going, darling. Hurry up and get your coat, before he catches up with -

Oh, hello! Good evening, Mr. Grant, how nice to see you! I don't believe you know my lovely friend, er, um, what was your name again? Ah, yes. Anyway, Mr. Grant, we were just leaving, so if you'd excuse us - What was that? Ha ha, come now, Mr. Grant, I don't owe you any money! Why, the idea is frankly preposterous! Me, owe you money? I have so much money at home I'm swimming in it! Ye-es, you will have your little joke, Mr. Grant. I don't even know what a pawn shop is. It sounds vaguely rude and distasteful. Of course I wouldn't hock the wealth of Egypt to pay off my gambling debts! I don't have any gambling debts. You must be confusing me with my brother-in-law.

What do you mean, O'Connell told you I'd be here?! That utter _bastard!_

***

_2.43am, The Serpentine, Hyde Park._

Well, ha ha, this has turned out to be quite a night, hasn't it. That's right, darling, stick with me and you'll never be bored. Now, you wouldn't give me a hand out of this lake, would you? Only it's a bit cold, and I can't really swim.

***

_3.04am, a telephone call-box, Hyde Park Corner._

O'Connell, you swine, why the hell did you tell Grant where I was?! Oh, I see - to teach me a lesson? Let me tell you, partner, he could have killed me! If I get pneumonia from being chucked into the Serpentine, it's all your fault. And I'm telling Evie that, too. No, I don't care for you one bit, nor your attitude. I don't care what the time is, either. You come and pick me up, or I'll tell Evie what I've heard about you and that belly-dancer!

Hello? Hello? O'Connell?

_Damn._

It's really sweet of you to wait for me like this. I guess we'd better start walking home, since I can't seem to rely on my brother-in-law. I think Evie's turned him into a bluestocking, too, since they got married. Can men be bluestockings? You know what I mean, don't you, darling. Fancy being in bed at this time of night! And asleep, at that!

***

_5.17am, somewhere in London._

I'm most awfully sorry, this doesn't usually happen to me, but... I seem to have forgotten my key. Come to think of it, I'm not sure where I am, for that matter. That's definitely not my house. I say, would you be awfully insulted if I asked to borrow a fiver? I'll pay you back straight away, honestly. You know me, I never tell a lie. I'm not making it up about the gold, I really have a huge pile of it at home. If only I knew how to get there, I'd prove it to you.

Wait! Where are you going? Come back! After all we've been through together, you can't leave me now!

And... she's just leaving me.

Just like that.

_Bugger._

***

_7.35am, The British Museum, Great Russell Street._

Look, it's a homing instinct, you know. All the philosophers will tell you that what goes around, comes around, and it's true. If I just sit tight here, then sooner or later Evie will find me. It's in our blood, the British Museum. She can't keep away from the damn place, and I can't keep away from the Dog & Duck.

Only four and a half hours until opening time.

Again.

**the end**


End file.
